Maybe you were my one and only great love.

Life is so weird. So complicated. So messy.

It’s been so crazy. I am so deliriously happy and at the same time, feel like I’m out in the middle of nowhere practically drowning and treading water–caught up in a current I can’t manage. The call of a writer is not a fun one. Your mind is never still, and neither are your fingers or the self you try to glue to the seat to carve out, chisel really, the story that’s found in black letters on a blank white page.

I was cleaning and saw our picture at blue lake. It’s so weird because the first thing about that picture that I noticed had nothing to do with you, or me, or us. It was the beautiful landscape behind us. I don’t see mountains here, or anything but flat and dry land. This place has become somewhere I have learned to love. I feel trapped here by its familiarity, for better or worse. I really hate it here. But I love it too much to leave. Fear clings to me. I know God is calling me to a new place but the details are hairy.

As I looked, I noticed. The way I looked at you. I really wonder if I have ever looked at anyone like that since. Maybe one person. Maybe. But it wasn’t like you. I remember very clearly letting someone know that I knew what love felt like, and what peace in a relationship felt like, and that I would wait for that. And I’ve been waiting since. Lately, mostly patiently. Can’t say I have been faithful in the waiting.

For your maker is your husband.

The words coming out of my mouth “I feel like I am giving up my husband” came out of my mouth and have been echoing in an empty hall for two whole decades. Just roaming the halls, echoing and bouncing off of the walls, every once in a while, opening the door to a chamber of my heart. The beating has subsided, the feelings have been resolved. I can look back and wonder what that little girl, that young lady, was thinking. What that young man felt as he posed for Prom pics. The look of pride, nervousness and the beginning of a love story I will never forget. I’m sure you’ve tucked it in the recesses of your mind, just like I have.

You don’t come to my dreams anymore. I pray for you sometimes. I’m happy for you. I can genuinely say that now. It felt like robbery for a while, and I may never come to the terms that I did this to myself, but I know that God was in it. I know that He allowed the love, just like He allowed the great heartbreak. And our lives were forever changed. They diverged and the rest became history.

I have learned to trust God, but that doesn’t prevent me from wondering why or asking questions. I just know what is meant to be, was– and that is all I have to lean on.

Thank you God for saving me and seeing things I couldn’t see. You knew what plans you had for my life, the people, places and things called to me. Thank you God for love, showing me what love could look like so when I see it again I will know what it is.

I love you Jesus.

Alicia