Maybe it’s time I take my hands off the steering wheel; I’ve been a control freak for as long as I can remember. Chattering teeth, covered by a stripey towel on the beach–clenched fist and jaws worrying and admonishing my baby sister to stay close to the shore. I could feel the tension in my abdomen, that sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach, wrought with worry–grasping for straws but clenching air in my fists instead. I think I’ve been pretty daring with my heart and reckless with my soul when it comes to love but only when I had the upper hand; maybe that’s when it has felt safest. I’m so laid back, free-spirited, and easy-going but not when it comes to letting go. I see a rollercoaster in my mind, life is like that. You get latched in–it’s not really your choice after that, just like it isn’t your choice with the things that come and go in your life–that’s fate and plan and purpose. You’re going up this massive hill and all you can hear is that unnerving clinking sound, each bit of the way up. Depending upon the kind of person you are, you either sit back and relax, knowing there is nothing you can control about the remainder of the ride, or maybe you white knuckle it all the way to the top where you slither around until it’s time for the big dip. And really it’s there where you lose all sense of control, because if it’s your first time on the ride you have no idea what it’s going to feel like; you have no clue as to the twists, turns, and corkscrews ahead. But like life, the ride is short, full of highs and lows–some exhilarating and others terrifying. Eventually the ride comes to a halt and it’s time to get off. So I could give a Jesus answer and say that you should relax and enjoy the ride because it’s short and you’re safe in your coaster seat and seatbelt. But life isn’t that linear or black and white. But I’m sure you will enjoy it more if you let go of control and embrace the curves ahead, because in life we don’t see them coming any more than we do on a roller coaster ride. I think if I’m honest, in this area of my life I have no control. I have no control of anything that’s coming my way. I think control is an illusion and we make ourselves comfortable thinking that we have any sort of it. But really things are more like divinely controlled chaos around us–God knows what’s next and what we need, even in the good and the bad. I think sometimes there is freedom in letting go. Maybe fear is what keeps us from letting go, but the fear of what exactly? If we have no control, but we are afraid of letting go of control, what are we really afraid of? I am not sure. Maybe we should adopt a posture of surrender. Surrender of our will, surrender of our preconceived notions of how things are supposed to go. Maybe then we can really experience things as they come and as they really are. Man, I’m so glad I embraced the fact that I woke up at 4:30 this morning and got that coffee to do that writing. Because my body told me so. Because my mind was ready for it. It didn’t make sense, but it didn’t have to.

x Alicia